God. Love. Sex.

Reconcilable Differences

Dr. Marty Baker / Song of Solomon 5 / March 5, 2006

Welcome to the Creek! Today's topic is "Reconcilable Differences." We are talking today about conflict. In marriage we need to understand the truth that all couples fight. The good news is that good couples will fight clean. The bad news is that bad couples will fight dirty and will hit each other below the belt.

The good news is that good couples when they fight they will press toward resolution. The bad news is when other couples fight, they will press toward victory. Hopefully, this talk will speak to all of us whether we are married or single. We will learn principles that will help us reconcile our differences.

A few weeks back, Patty and I had one of those "knock down, drag out kind of fights". I thought it was over when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees. She said, "Marty, get out from underneath that bed you coward and fight like a man." All couples fight.

Let's examine God's word in light of all of our relationships. We will start today from the foundation of scripture. Look at Proverbs 27:15. Gentlemen, when you hear this verse, if you are moved you are welcome to say an "amen."

Proverbs 27:15

A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day.

Men, would you say that is true? Then all the men said, "amen." Drip, drip, drip. Now, one for the ladies. The Bible says that ...

2 Martin 6:4

"...It is better to have severe hemorrhoids than to live with a husband who is a jerk."

Ladies, can I get an "amen." Wait a minute. 2 Martin 6:4... is that in the Bible? No it's not, but it should be.

Over the last several weeks we have been working our way through the Song of Solomon. This is a short book in the Old Testament section of the Bible. It focuses on a couple that we know as Solomon and the Shulammite woman or the lover and the beloved.

If you remember in week one, this couple was attracted to each other because of Godly reasons. She said that your name was like purified oil. She said, "You've got a good reputation." They were attracted by each other's character.

Next, we watched them move from dating to courtship into the covenant of marriage. Last week, we caught a glimpse of their wedding night. Kevin laid it on us, didn't he? Hot and steamy. I received several comments and a few emails.

Subject: A Thought from a Creeker...
I just want you to know that my wife and I truly enjoyed the service this past Sunday. As we were listening to what was being said holding each others hands, I felt so proud to call this woman who was sitting beside me, my wife. It has only been ten years and we are still in love with each other, but I feel after Sunday’s service that we are going to be so much closer. Thanks for the wake up call ....

Here's another one:

Hey Marty,

Just another day of leaving the Creek and feeling extremely proud of the fact that our church will step out and be unafraid to "get to the heart of the matter". I felt overwhelmed with thankfulness as I sat beside my husband knowing that some of the lessons that God was using our church to teach people, (we had learned through)...a season of struggle.

I am so thankful that Stevens Creek is a place where men and women can come and hear life changing words about matters that can be so hidden and seemingly forbidden to talk about. ... Thank you Marty for stretching beyond the comfort zone and for stretching our church beyond their comfort zone. Minds, hearts, and marriages will be changed and healed because of it! I look forward to hearing the stories and celebrating with the families.

I believe that lives are being changed here at the Creek. Last week we enjoyed the honeymoon, but today, the honeymoon is over. We are going to see Solomon and the Shulammite woman fight. There's trouble in paradise. Let's pick up in their story in verse two of chapter 5. We see the Shulammite woman is in bed. She is sleeping and says this:

Song of Solomon 5:2

I slept but my heart was awake.

In other words, she is restless. She is stirring. She is uncomfortable. Then, she hears a knock at the door. You need to understand that in those days it was not uncommon for the couples to have separate bedchambers. She is in her room and hears a knock at the door.

Song of Solomon 5:2

I slept but my heart was awake.

Listen! My lovers knocking:

He is making a move. Listen to his words. He uses all of her favorite pet names.

Song of Solomon 5:2

.... "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night."

She is restless. She has been waiting up for him and he is late. She is mad. We don't know where he was. Maybe he was working late. Maybe he was playing in a softball game that went into extra innings. Maybe he got caught in traffic. Whatever the case is, he is late.

Romeo comes in and wants to make a move on Juliet. She stiff-arms him. He wants a little lovin' and but she is just too tired.

Quite frankly, this happens at my house all the stinking time. Patty comes in and she wants me and I am just too tired. I am just too tired. What are you laughing at? It could have happened once.

My how things have changed. A few chapters ago, she called him her stag. She said, "He is my gazelle who leaps and bounds across the way." She said to him, "Come into my garden." She said, "I want you all night long." Now they are married and he makes a move. She starts with the excuses.

Song of Solomon 5:3

I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again?I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?

He's knocking on the door and she is basically saying, "You are too late. I am going to teach you a lesson. You can forget about it." He's making a move on her and she basically is saying, "I am not interested." This is where the fight breaks out.

All couples fight. One important lesson that we can learn today is how to fight fair. We want to learn how to fight in a way that moves us toward resolution. We all have differences and we believe that with God's help and the help of our willing partner our differences can be resolved.

There are three common causes of conflict that we see in this passage. The first thing (if you are taking notes) is this: One of the first causes of conflict is unmet expectations.

Causes of Conflict

1. Unmet expectations.

Both Solomon and the Shulammite woman had expectations that were not met. What was she expecting? She was expecting him to come home earlier or maybe at least to call or get word to her. He was expecting a little snuggling. Neither one of them got their expectations met.

We see this all the time in relationships. The number one reason we have unmet expectations is that we have weak communication. We don't talk about what we expect. We assume that the other person knows what we expect. But, they don't know. As a result, marriage is not what you thought it would be.

Unmet expectations. You entered into marriage thinking that he was going to be more involved, more tender, more considerate or more spiritual or whatever. But, it's not like that.

Now you say: "I thought that being married to you would be vastly different than what it is." You have not met my expectations and there is conflict. But, not only there, but this passage highlights the problem of selfishness.

Causes of Conflict

2. Selfishness

Watch as we see the woman who last week was so ready to give herself to him. Now, she is more concerned about her own needs and her own desires. He knocks on the door and she says, "I am already in bed.”

Song of Solomon 5:3

I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?

Selfishness ... what about my needs? What about my desires? Selfishness is one of the greatest causes of conflict when it comes to marriage.

Causes of Conflict

3. Pride.

Pride is another cause of marital conflict. Some people in their marriage think that they are always right and the other person has not caught on yet. You hear words like: “You never do this.” “You always do this.” Some people have forgotten how to humble themselves and say, "I am sorry."

How do you know when your marriages are full of pride? If you are full of pride, here's how you know. If you are sitting back and you are thinking, "I hope my spouse is hearing every word that he says. He better be listening because this message is for him. This is good stuff and he better shape up. She better shape up." That's PRIDE.

In this passage, Solomon makes a move on his wife and she had the door locked. He can't get in. He's frustrated. She starts to soften a little bit and says, "Okay.” But, it's a little too late. He walks away.

Song of Solomon 5:4

4 My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

5 I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.

Verse 6. Watch her do the right thing.

6 I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure.

There are those of you today whose heart has sunk. Some of you have experienced the pain and horror of divorce. I just want to say, "I am so sorry for your pain."

There are those of you in your marriage right now, "the red warning light is blinking." There are those who would say, "My heart sank when my lover departed." Some of you have not had you lover depart physically, but emotionally there is a wall up. There is a loss of intimacy. There is conflict.

Hear this: When two people are submitted to Christ, there is no relationship too far gone that God cannot heal it. It takes two. It cannot be just one. I have never seen any circumstances too big for the Lord to heal when two people were submitted Him. He can.

I am aware of the depth of the emotion, the pain, the fear, the doubt, the panic and all of that.

The principles that I am about to share with you are very simple, but they are very profound because success in life is generally built on doing the simple things right over a long period of time.

I want to give you three simple principles. As you hear them. I want you to live them, embrace them. Let them become a part of who you are. When you got married, more than likely you said, "I DO." Here are three more "I DO's" for you to say.

I Do Promise

1. To act and not react.

I do promise to act and not react. Scripture teaches us in

Romans 12:21

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

What happens when we are overcome by evil? We are overcome and we start to react according to the desires of our sinful flesh. We fail to be proactive according to the leading of the Spirit of God. When someone hurts me, I can be overcome by evil and react in an ungodly way.

This often happens late at night. You've worked all day. You've dealt with stress of responsibilities. The kids are in bed. You retreat to your bedroom and the room is as cold as ice.

You get in bed, but make it a point not to touch. There's tension in the room. Instead of dealing with it, you go to sleep. This is not what you need to do.

Ephesians 4:26

26b Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

It's time to act and not react to the situation. Deal with it. Be proactive. Don't ignore it like there's not a problem. Don't go day after day, week after week thinking that it's going to magically get better. Do something.

I Do Promise

2. To focus on the good and not the bad.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Think about such things. Think about the positives and not the negatives.

What do we see in many marriages? Rather than thinking on the good, we concentrate on the bad. She doesn't do this. She doesn't do that. Then, you get together and starting trash talking to all of your friends. Oh, that's going to help your marriage.

Concentrate on the good things. Several years ago, a journalist was doing a story on Ruth and Billy Graham. They said, "What was it like for your husband to be gone so much ... one time up to seven months?

Ruth Graham replied: "Five months with Billy is better than twelve months with any other man." She focused on the good. She could have said, "You know he's gone all the time and he doesn't care about me." She focused on the good.

Sometimes the things that attract us to each other are the things that create the greatest stresses. In dating opposites attract; in marriage opposites attack. The very thing that attracted you before marriage is the very thing that repels you after you are married.

For example, I am intense. Patty often says, "Give it a break. Let your mind rest." I am driven. I am punctual. When I was a kid, I put my books at the bus stop thirty minutes before the bus came so I could be first in line.

Patty on the other hand is laid back. The bus would have to blow the horn to get her out of the house. She gets it honest though. She comes from a long line of laid-back people. They are calm. They never get in a hurry. They embrace every moment and chew every bite. They can make a fast food meal last into the afternoon.

When we got married, my world was turned upside down. I've never been late. Now, I am never early. We have both grown in this area, but I have to say that I would rather be late with her than be early with anyone else.

What would happen if you started focusing on the good and not the bad? I believe that God would renew your marriage.

I Do Promise

3. To talk and not walk.

Work it out. Get together and talk. Work it out. Cry together. Lock the door and don't come out until you make progress. Go see a Biblical Counselor this week. Get down on your hands and knees and talk to God. Talk and not walk.

Ephesians 4:26-27

26b Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Some of you have not talked about the real issues in months. You go one night without talking and working things through. You give the devil a foothold. You go a week and you might as well give him an invitation and say, "Satan, move into our home."

Talk it out. Don't walk.

Much can happen in a very short period if one person will make a positive move toward breaking the silence. Solomon took the first step. He made the move toward forgiveness. He greeted her with genuine compliments.

Song of Solomon 6:4

4 You are beautiful, my darling, as Tirzah, lovely as Jerusalem, majestic as troops with banners.

Song of Solomon 6:5-7

5 Turn your eyes from me; they overwhelm me. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.

6 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing. Each has its twin, not one of them is alone.

7 Your temples behind your veil are like the halves of a pomegranate.

Solomon used the same words that he spoke to her on their wedding night. In essence, he is saying, "You are as beautiful as the day I married you. He spoke about her eyes, her smile and her blush. She was so beautiful that he asked to look away because her beauty overwhelmed him.

He affirmed her. He spoke positive words.

Song of Solomon 6:8-10

8 Sixty queens there may be, and eighty concubines, and virgins beyond number;

9 but my dove, my perfect one, is unique, the only daughter of her mother, the favorite of the one who bore her. The maidens saw her and called her blessed; the queens and concubines praised her.

In a nutshell, Solomon was saying to his bride that in his eyes, she was the only woman in the world who mattered to him. She was one of a kind in his love. She had no equal.

What was Solomon doing? He was forgiving his bride even before she had a chance to ask for forgiveness. He was granting her a full reconciliation and a full pardon for any offense she might have committed against him.

Solomon was saying, "Honey, it does not matter what you did. He said, "I don't even remember it."

We must do the same. If we are going to enjoy life-long relationships, we must be the first to forgive. Life is too short to carry a grudge with you everywhere you go. It's time to lay down your weapons. It's time to forgive and move on.

Today, it's your time to make the first move. It's your time to offer forgiveness. Let's stand for closing prayer.

PRAYER

This sermon was inspired by work of Craig Groeshel and Tommy Nelson's, The Book of Romance.