Authority Issues
Understanding Authority within
Marriage
Dr. Marty Baker / Ephesians
5:22-33 / September 17, 2006
Good
morning and welcome to the Creek!
It’s a great day to be here. How many people do we have this morning that are
presently married or would like to be married some time in your life? Let me
see your hands. Good. This message is for you. You know I have always heard that
marriage is like a three ring circus … the engagement ring, the wedding ring
and suffering.
Seriously,
I do believe that there are three rings that make a marriage strong, or as the
Old Testament would say … A cord of three strands is not quickly
broken. I believe that there are three strands that bind a couple
together. First of all, there is
faith, love, and the third one is commitment. We all need faith in God. Spiritual strength will get you through the most challenging
events of your life and it will prepare you for the life after this one is
over. We need love. Yes, we make a decision to love someone
and love covers a multitude of mistakes and added to these would be
commitment. We must be committed
to each other. In good times and
in bad we must stick together.
Patty and I have been married for twenty-four years. It’s not all be easy but we promised that
for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death to us part. We have every intention to stick it
out. We have been able to maintain our promise because our faith in God has
provided us with a solid foundation to build on. It has provided us with structure, guidelines, and
boundaries. There have been times
when we have stepped out of line, but we have found grace in the eyes of the
Lord.
Today, I want to talk to your about living under the authority of God in
your marriage. This is the third
message in our Authority Issues series.
Too many marriage fall apart because they have ignored the structure and
the boundaries that God has given us to follow. As a result, homes across our community are like war zones.
Lives are spinning out of control.
There is no direction, no goals, no plan and no peace.
Today,
I want to help you re-establish peace in yourself and your home. Over the last few weeks, we have
talking about the need to get under those things that God has put over us so
that we can get over those things God has put under us.
God always works through authority. God is all about authority. It’s who he is. The Trinity—God the father, God the son, God the Holy Spirit; equal in form, unique in function. We have authority and submission going on in the nature and character of God Himself. And God always works through authority.
We need to get under those things
that God has placed over us so we can get over those things God has placed
under us. How does this flesh out in marriage?
Let’s talk about it.
Patty and I were married at the Monroe, Louisiana Church of God. It is located right down the street on
I-20. After the ceremony, we went
to the next exit to the Holiday Inn.
After we checked-in, we sat on the sofa and opened the Bible and had
prayer.
I turned to a section of the Bible that is very controversial in some
people’s eyes. It’s controversial
because people don’t understand what it means. That’s where I want to begin today. Ephesians 5:22-25.
Ephesians 5:22-25
22 Wives,
submit to your husbands as to the Lord.
23 For
the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his
body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now
as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands
in everything.
25 Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her
by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a
radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and
blameless.
When some of you hear the word “submit”, it makes your blood boil. You consider yourself a liberated woman
and submission is not a part of your vocabulary. You feel that way because you don’t know what this
verse really means. You have taken
it out of context and have allowed your feelings to form your faith instead of
the truth of God’s word.
I have to be honest. When I frist read this passage to Patty, I did not
know everything I now know, but I knew that I loved her. That night, I said, “Patty, I want to
love you as Christ loved the church.
If I ever fail to do that, don’t worry about the submission part.”
Truthfully,
at that point I did not know what Biblical submission really meant. I did not worry about that. My focus was simply to love her as
Christ loved the church. In a few
minutes, I will give you a definition of Biblical submission, but before we go
there, let’s talk about how Christ loved the Church?
1. Sacrificially.
Jesus loved the church so much
that he was willing to suffer and die for the church. He gave everything that he had for his church. Jesus not only loved the church sacrificially,
but also selflessly.
2. Selflessly.
Jesus
considered the needs of others more than he considered his own needs. Several times in the scriptures, we see
Jesus going without food or without rest so that other people could be
nourished or encouraged. Paul
taught this principle.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Jesus not only loved
the church selflessly, but he loved us with a steadfast love.
3. Steadfastly
Jesus loves us with a love that’s
consistent. It never stops. Jesus
is totally committed to us. He
never runs out on us. He is always
there.
Since we as husbands are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, then
these three items become the basis of our job description as husbands.
We are to love our wives sacrificially, selflessly, and stedfastly. How are we doing? Hmmm. Could this be the root of our problems?
Too many of us husbands have ignored the guidelines that God has
established for us to follow.
We have failed to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. We have stepped out from
underneath the umbrella of God’s authority and as a result we are not living the
best life possible.
We are to love our wives, but what response should a wife have?
Ephesians
5:33
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves
himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
So in this passage of scripture, there are two job
descriptions for the wives here today.
First of all, they should submit and secondly they should respect their
husbands. What does it mean to submit?
1.
Mindless
2.
Manipulative
3.
Maquerading
Some people think that
submission means mindless obedience, that you give into every whim.
Most of think that submission means that we give in to every whim. That’s
not it.
Others use manipulative plans and label them submission like: “Well, I’ll wine and dine and seduce him into my way of thinking.” It’s a fact that women are smarter than men. They are so smart that they can make us think we’re leading, but in reality we’re not. So it’s not about manipulating your husband. That’s not submission.
Neither is submission masquerading about with a submissive look on the outside
while you are screaming “He’s a self-centered jerk on the inside.”
Well, what does it mean to submit? Listen
to this: Submission is
the invitation for someone to lead.
When a wife submits to her husband, she is saying, “Honey, I want you to
lead.
There’s got to be a leader. In God’s plan, he has
established the husband as the leader of the household. How should we lead? We should lead sacrificially,
selflessly and with a steadfast love. When you love your wife like that,
submission is not a problem.
Submission provides an umbrella, a
covering, a protection for you and your family.
Here’s what happens sometimes.
Some husbands don’t want to lead.
They give the umbrella over to their wife. They check out. They would rather be out with the guys. They would rather bury themselves in
their job. They would rather be on
the golf course or at the ballgame instead of leading their family in a way
that honors God.
It’s our responsibility as men to direct, to guide, to protect and to lead
our families. We must first live
under the authority of God and then encourage our family to follow in our
footsteps. You cannot lead
where you have never been.
This concept of a husband providing the money and the wife taking care of
the kids is not the perfect picture. Both of you have to be involved in the family.
Other times we give the umbrella of authority to the kids. We say, “Oh, whatever you want to do.
You are our authority. We will
orbit our lives around you. It’s
all about the kids. Where do you
want to eat? Where do you want to
go to church? What do you feel like doing? When parents become buddies instead of leaders and coaches
then there will be the potential of problems down the road.
Men we are called to lead. I heard some wives say, “Oh yeah, I want my husband to be a spiritual leader.” But ladies, you will not let him. You say, “Oh, I want leadership,” but down deep you don’t want to be led. You have your own set of baggage that you need to deal with.
So husbands, what’s our job
description? One word:
Sacrifice. Hey ladies, what’s your
number one job description? Submit.
What is submission? Submission
is the invitation for someone to lead. Does this mean that a woman should never lead? No not at all.
There are many things in our family that Patty takes the lead on. Why? Because she is superior in those areas. There are a few things that I take the
lead on because I am superior in those areas. Patty is a surperior shopper. If there was a Ph.D. in shopping, then she would have
it. I don’t know if I have ever
heard our kids say, “Daddy, take me to the mall. Maybe drop me off at the mall,
but not take me.”
Now I am superior in the athletic event category. I have never heard the kids say, “Mom can we go to the
Carolina game this weekend?”
Here’s the verse.
Ephesians 5:21
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Through the years we have worked
hard at submitting to each other. This is a spiritual process. Our first step
is submitting to God and then to one another. Husbands, are you willing to let your wife be the woman in
the house? Wives are you willing to allow your husband to be the man of the
house?
We must understand God’s structure. It’s about sacrifice and submission. Men, sacrifice. Women, submit. Men, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Wives, submit as to the Lord.
How do you make this practical? Let’s talk about the big three.
1. Finances
Let’s talk about finances, authority and submission over finances. Financial turmoil is one of the number one causes of divorce. Usually when two people hook up and they walk down the wedding aisle, what happens when one is more of a free-spender and the other one is more conservative? What happens? Fights and big ones.
Money is a big issue. You have to work through the concept of money management. In the early days of our marriage, we had our share of financial difficulties. There have been times when we had more month left at the end of our money. We have had a few arguments over finances, but not very many. Early on we put God in charge of our money. We got under His financial plan.
God says the first thing we are to do is we’re to bring the tithe into the local house of worship—10 percent. I’m not talking about giving. We’re not giving. We’re bringing it. You will not be under the authority of God until you bring 10 percent of your income to your local church. It’s not going to happen for you.
Patty and I started doing this 24
years ago. Ten percent. “Okay God, here it is.” The Bible also says we should save. S-A-V-E, save. It’s important for you to set aside
money for your future. One good plan is the 10-10-80 plan. Give God ten percent, save ten percent
and live on the rest.
There still has to be a plan on the 80%. You can’t buy a new hunting rifle if you don’t have shoes for the kids. You can’t have your nails done, if there are no groceries in the house. Money is a big issue. Submit your finances to God.
We have always tithed but that does not mean that we have always been wise in our investments. When we started this church, we had limited resources. We had two children under three years old and felt the pressure of finances. I had a friend of mine from college working on staff with me at the time and he felt the same pressure. To supplement our income, we decided to sell used cars on the side.
We talked to each other about this idea for several weeks. We also talked to a couple of friends. We talked to everybody but God. We were tithers and were living under God’s umbrella of protection. A couple of weeks before we went to the auto-auction we were at a pastor’s conference in Athens, GA. David Cooper was preaching. I did not know him at the time. He was fervently preaching his message and out-of-the-blue, he looked over our way and said, “God has not called you to sell used cars. He has called you to preach and to pray.”
It was clear, but we did what many of you do every week. We walked out and said, “He was not talking to us.” Two weeks later we went to the Darlington Auction and bought a Red Mercedes. It was beautiful. We listed it and waited for it to sell. A few weeks went by with a little interest, but not much. We finally sold it to someone in Henry County. We felt pretty good until we received a phone call saying that the blocked was cracked and then epoxied. We were accused of being fraudulent. They said, We are going to sue you and your church.” We worked through a lawyer and ended up hauling the car back to Augusta.
One thing after another happened to that beautiful car. We could not sell it. It was as if God was saying, “When you step out from underneath the umbrella and ignore my warnings, you are headed for problems.”
After nine months of making payments and repairs, we turned it over to a dealer in Atlanta having lost several thousand dollars. We were free. A few weeks later, a policeman came to our house and asked us if we own a red Mercedes. Our heart sank. They found it abandoned on I-285. Thankfully, it was no longer in our name.
Here’s the moral of the story. When you tithe you live under the umbrella of God’s financial favor. He blesses you abundantly, but when you ignore his warnings and go against his leadings, you are own your own.
One final thought about money. Some of you have assigned one spouse to take care of the finances. That’s okay to a point, but both of you need to be involved. If you are married, it’s a joint venture. It’s not the husband’s money; it’s not the wife’s money. It’s family money. Here’s a dose of reality. You are not promised tomorrow. One of you could drop dead this week. A loving spouse will make sure that their spouse understands the family’s financial situation and hopefully has a plan in place. We need mutual submission when it comes to our finances.
2. Kids
How about kids? Kids are amazing. Kids want authority. They will do a lot of things to try to get it. They can divide and conquer. They will work both of you separately. Before you know it you have committed to something that you don’t agree on.
Parents need to stick together. They need to be united. Kids need boundaries. They need guidelines. They need discipline. Don’t give the umbrella of authority to your kids.
3. Sex
Let’s talk about sex. Mutual
submission is important in this area. I have had couples ask me, “What if I am in the mood
and my spouse is not?” Does
that ever happen? Did the sun come
up this morning?
What should you do? Pick up the Bible and read it. The Bible says to stop depriving one another, except for time of prayer.
1 Corinthians 7:5
5 So do not deprive each other of sexual relations. The only exception to this rule would be the agreement of both husband and wife to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time, so they can give themselves more completely to prayer.
There’s only one reason to say no and that is: Mutual, agreed-upon prayer. So the next time you are not in the mood, instead of saying, “Honey I’ve got a
headache. Say, “It’s time to pray.”
Let’s be practical. Whenever one party is in the mood and the other
isn’t, don’t just say, “No!” Don’t
ever do that. You can say “no,”
but say “no” with a 24-hour rule.
“No, how about tomorrow morning.
No, what about tomorrow afternoon.
No, what about tomorrow night.”
Don’t just say “no.”
Sex is an important part of your marriage. It is the super-glue. It is the very thing that unites a
couple.
Ephesians
5:31
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
Most
of us here have a deep desire for God to move in our families. We look around this community and we
know first hand that families are falling apart. We don’t need another family here at the Creek to fall
apart. We have had our share.
It’s
time that we do something different.
It’s time to change the way that we have been living. It’s time for God to be placed in the
seat of authority in our homes. We
need to submit to Him. What does
that mean? It means that we need
to invite God to be the leader in our lives. We need to invite God to lead our marriages and our families. We need to invite God to be the leader
of our finances.
Only
then will we see His favor, His blessing released in our world.
Are
you looking for a change? Are you
tired of getting the same old results?
It’s time to do something different. It’s time to trust God with it all.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Closing Prayer
Matthew
16:26
What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?
This
message was inspired by Ed Young, Jr.